Parents play a crucial role in shaping their children’s self-esteem and emotional well-being. However, certain words and behaviors can unintentionally cause harm, leading to long-lasting emotional damage.
Toxic remarks or actions, whether intentional or not, can make children feel unworthy, insecure, or neglected.
In this article, we’ll explore specific examples of harmful things parents might say or do and how these behaviors can negatively impact a child’s development.
Toxic Things Parents Say to their Children
1. Dismissing Accomplishments
Example: “Oh, you got a B? That’s not impressive, anyone can do that.”
Explanation: Dismissing a child’s achievements, no matter how small, invalidates their efforts and can make them feel like nothing they do is ever good enough. This constant dismissal leads to a lack of motivation and self-confidence, as the child internalizes that their hard work or success will never be acknowledged or appreciated by those they seek validation from the most.
2. Playing Favorites
Example: “Your sister is my favorite because she never gives me trouble like you do.”
Explanation: Playing favorites creates rivalry and animosity between siblings and fosters resentment in the child who feels less loved. This favoritism can lead to long-lasting emotional scars, causing the unfavored child to constantly seek approval or attention in unhealthy ways. It erodes trust and connection in the parent-child relationship, as the child feels unworthy of their parent’s affection.
3. Undermining Confidence
Example: “You’ll never be able to do that. Why even try?”
Explanation: Telling a child they aren’t capable of something kills their confidence and discourages them from trying new things. This type of remark plants seeds of self-doubt, making the child feel incompetent or inferior. Over time, the child may start to believe that they aren’t capable of success, leading to low self-esteem and a fear of failure.
4. Public Shaming
Example: “Why can’t you act right? You’re embarrassing me in front of everyone!”
Explanation: Publicly shaming a child humiliates them and damages their sense of self-worth. It turns the focus from correcting behavior to making the child feel ashamed of who they are, especially when it happens in front of others. This approach not only harms their self-esteem but also teaches them that mistakes are something to hide, rather than opportunities to learn and grow.
5. Threatening Abandonment
Example: “If you don’t behave, I’ll just leave you here.”
Explanation: Threatening to abandon a child, even in jest, can create deep fears of abandonment and insecurity. It undermines the child’s trust in their parents and can cause long-lasting emotional trauma. Children rely on their parents for safety and security, and threatening to remove that support can lead to anxiety and a fear of being unloved or unwanted.
6. Silent Treatment
Example: Ignoring the child for days after they’ve done something wrong.
Explanation: The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation and punishment that isolates the child, leaving them to feel abandoned and confused. Instead of resolving conflict in a healthy way, this behavior teaches the child that love and attention are conditional. It can create anxiety, a fear of confrontation, and a deep sense of insecurity in their relationship with their parents.
7. Critiquing everyday Actions
Example: “Why are you always so lazy? Don’t you care about anything?”
Explanation: This type of question is designed to provoke shame rather than address the behavior. It paints the child as inherently flawed instead of focusing on the specific issue. This can lead to feelings of guilt, frustration, and confusion about their identity, as the child is made to feel their actions are linked to their worth as a person.
8. Commenting Negatively about Their Appearance
Example: “You’d be so much prettier if you lost some weight.”
Explanation: Comments like this damage a child’s self-esteem and body image, making them feel inadequate. Constant criticism of appearance can lead to long-term issues like body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and self-worth problems. Children begin to internalize that their value is tied to their looks, rather than who they are.
9. Unhealthy Comparisons
Example: “Why can’t you be more like your brother? He always gets good grades.”
Explanation: Comparing a child to a sibling or peer can cause resentment, insecurity, and a constant feeling of inadequacy. This type of remark fosters competition rather than support, leaving the child feeling that no matter what they do, they will never measure up. Over time, it can damage self-esteem and create unnecessary tension within the family dynamic.
10. Overreacting to Mistakes
Example: “I can’t believe you did that! You’ve ruined everything!”
Explanation: Overreacting to a child’s mistake makes them feel like their errors define them and are unforgivable. This kind of extreme response can cause the child to fear failure or mistakes, leading them to become overly cautious or anxious. It also discourages them from taking risks or trying new things, as they begin to associate making mistakes with extreme disappointment and anger from their parents.
11. Empty Promises
Example: “I’ll take you to the park this weekend, I promise,” but it never happens.
Explanation: When parents repeatedly make promises they don’t keep, it breaks trust and makes the child feel unimportant. This can lead to disillusionment, where the child stops believing in what their parent says. Over time, the child might become less emotionally attached or stop relying on the parent, leading to feelings of betrayal and disappointment.
12. Refusing to Apologize
Example: “I’m the parent, I don’t have to say sorry to you.”
Explanation: When parents refuse to apologize, they teach children that accountability and taking responsibility for mistakes is unnecessary, especially if you’re in a position of power. This can erode trust and respect between the parent and child, as the child may feel that their feelings are invalid. Apologizing models humility and empathy, and without it, children may grow up with a distorted view of conflict resolution and respect.
13. Making Jokes at the Child’s Expense
Example: “You’re such a klutz, no wonder you can’t do anything right.”
Explanation: Joking at a child’s expense under the guise of humor can feel like betrayal, especially if the parent downplays their emotions by saying, “It’s just a joke.” These remarks hurt because they often highlight insecurities or flaws the child is already self-conscious about. Over time, this behavior can cause deep emotional wounds and lead the child to doubt their abilities, even when meant in a lighthearted way.
14. Selfish Commentary
Example: “I wish I never had kids. My life would’ve been so much better.”
Explanation: This statement makes the child feel like an unwanted burden and deeply impacts their emotional security. When a parent expresses regret over having children, it communicates that the child is the root cause of their unhappiness. This can lead to feelings of rejection, unworthiness, and emotional neglect.
15. Making the Child Feel Like a Burden
Example: “You’re such a hassle. I can’t do anything because of you.”
Explanation: Statements like this frame the child as an obstacle to their parent’s happiness or freedom. It fosters guilt and self-blame, making the child feel like they are in the way or a nuisance. Over time, this can erode their sense of belonging and make them believe they are undeserving of love and care.