The
Senator
[This is an an excerpt from the diary of one of
my more elitist colleagues. (Reprinted with Permission) The particulars of the story were generally well
know by every one including me but I
will let him tell it in his own words. [I have changed the name of the Senator involved because I cannot guarantee all the facts.]
At Nine couple of weeks ago, I received the following
from Dean Bob:
Memorandum
To: Professor Harris
From: Dean Bob
Date: February 7, 2007
Re: Visit of Senator Faceworth
As you are aware [I was not aware]
the Law School has invited Senator Jerry Faceworth to guest lecture for two
weeks on the subject of Labor Law. I would like to you to serve as his host
during this time. I know you have many commitments [actually I don’t] but we
need to put our best foot forward given that Senator Faceworth has recently
announced his candidacy for President of the United States.
Please advise me of your availability
as soon as it is convenient. Senator Faceworth arrives on February 15th.
I
responded right away feeling kind of honored. Playing host to an honest to
goodness presidential candidate sounded like it would be fun.
So let’s start with Senator Faceworth. First you should know that I read in the Times
that in response to some questions about his private life he dared reporters to
follow him around. “You will regret it. The boredom will be
intolerable.”
arrived by private jet. A squadron of reporters arrived soon thereafter and
more were waiting at the hotel when I took him there at about 8 P.M. I gave him
my cell number and the phone rang a midnight just as I was dozing off.
“Let’s have a drink,” he said. “I’ll be at the service ramp. Be
here in 15 minutes” I was and found him, a knit cap pulled low and
wrap-around sun glasses. He was very direct about wanting to go to a student
“club.” I had no idea where to take him but drove him to a part of
town with student bars. We parked and went into something called the
“Music Store.” Average age 21. By now, if you know Senator Faceworth,
you know what happened. After 30 minutes he found me. He wanted to go back to
his room. “Of course,” I said, not realizing that the two coeds – one
on each arm – were to accompany him. So, at 1:00 A.M. I left him as he and his
new playmates quickly scrambled from the car and darted for the service
elevator. This cannot be good. And, he is here for three weeks.
The
next night the same midnight call and it was off to the same bar. This time he
emerged with two more pals. The next day Dean Bob picked up the Senator in the hotel lobby – again was the ever
present swarm of reporters– and took him to school. My assignment? Go to
the service entrance and pick up his two companions from the previous night —
Heather and Misty. They piled in the car and immediately said. “Jeffy, Gar-Gar told us you
would take us to breakfast and for tanning.” And I did. What could I do? I
wore dark glasses but I was a little nervous about the car that seemed to be
following.
So you get the drift. The
man who said people would be bored if they following him was and absolute hound
for college girls. And this went on non stop. Well non stop until some rapidly
unfolded events.
The
Senator is off to Bimini for the week end and I am sleeping.
Senator
Faceworth evidently came back late last night, having taken Monday off. Judging
by his sun burn, the trip to Bimini was a success. Now he is followed by a
caravan of pink faced reporters. The cocktail party in is honor is this
Thursday. He has not thanked me for the selection of single malt scotches in
his office. I am beginning to look forward to his departure. I have had
way too many Heathers and Jennifers to escort back to their apartments or
dorms.
Two
more midnight calls from Faceworth and four more Gingers or Kimberlys — who
knows, who cares. Even though I pick him up at the loading dock of the hotel
and he has his stocking cap pulled low, it is not always fool proof. Last night
at what has become his favorite bar I spotted a pink-faced reporter who I
recognized from the caravan of cars that following us each day. He definitely
saw Faceworth and then left hurriedly.
Faceworth
finally made his break back to Bimini for the weekend. This time he took two
Jennifers who were on the same flight to Miami. I took all three to the airport
but dropped them at different places. At one point we were almost spotted by
reporters and Faceworth hit the floor while the Jennifers giggled and did other
unmentionable things.
I am not cut out for this!! Word has leaked
out among the faculty and today someone accused me of “pimping” for
Gerard.
You know the routine. A
midnight run and two Jennifers each night.
I find it very annoying that on our trips to the clubs the Senator sits in the
back seat and rarely speaks to me. On the way back, he is in the back with his
pals.
Faceworth left Thursday late for Binimi, too early the see the following article in
today’s Ivyville Sun. First you should know that that there is big photo on Faceworth on the front page leaving his regular bar at 1:00 with two Jennifers,
miniskirts and cowboy boots. I am in the photo just barely. The caption:
Senator Gerard Faceworth parties with friends and an unidentified law
professor.
The article:
“Senator Gerard Faceworth, a
visiting professor at the Ivyville Law School, has been photographed with two
companions leaving the Campus Buzz, a popular late night gather place for
Ivyville singles. Senator Faceworth only recently challenged reporters to
follow him around after rumor emerged that he is something of a
“womanizer.” According the regulars at the Buzz, Senator Faceworth
has been in the club several nights, usually escorted by a law professor. The
routine is that he arrives soon after midnight and leaves by 1:00 A.M. with one
or two college aged women. The hotel management where the Senator is staying
declined comment. The identity of his law professor host is currently being
examined.”
I am happy to report that Faceworth called in Monday morning to say that he would be unable to finish his
three week teaching assignment here. The Ivyville Sun article about his late
night activities — as surely you know — has gone national, even
international.
Reporters are everywhere wanting to know the details and trying to identify his
mysterious law professor escort. So far no one on the faculty had identified
me.