So you go out on a first date, then, a second, then a third. And this person seems perfect – maybe even too perfect. There’s a good chance they’re just perfect for you. But there’s also a chance there’s something you’re missing. So let’s explore some potential red flags for the date that just seems that little bit TOO perfect.
Red Flags in a Relationship
15. They’re overly charismatic.
Example: “Whenever we’re out, they always seem to charm everyone, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all just an act.”
Excessive charm can mask a person’s real intentions. While it’s easy to be captivated by someone who always seems to say the right thing, this charm may be a distraction from deeper issues like dishonesty or manipulation. Charismatic individuals may use their likability to avoid accountability or prevent you from noticing problematic behavior. It’s crucial to assess if the charm is genuine or simply a tool for control.
14. Lack of depth in conversations.
Example: “Every time I try to talk about something meaningful, they quickly change the subject to something light and superficial.”
Surface-level conversations are common when you’re just getting to know someone, but if they consistently avoid deeper topics, it could signal emotional unavailability. If they steer clear of meaningful discussions about emotions, values, or future plans, it may indicate that they’re not interested in building a true connection. This lack of depth may prevent the relationship from growing and leave you feeling emotionally unfulfilled.
13. Inconsistent stories.
Example: “Last week they said they grew up in the city, but now they’re talking about how much they loved growing up on a farm.”
If someone’s stories frequently change or they struggle to remember details about past experiences, it can be a sign that they’re fabricating or embellishing parts of their life. These inconsistencies could point to dishonesty or manipulation, as they may be trying to create an image of themselves that isn’t real. Pay attention to whether their stories align with what they’ve previously said or if there are glaring contradictions.
12. They’re overly agreeable.
Example: “No matter what I suggest, they always say ‘yes,’ but I’m starting to wonder if they have any opinions of their own.”
While it can feel nice when someone agrees with you, constant agreement could indicate that they are trying too hard to gain your approval or avoid conflict. People who always go along with whatever you say might lack their own sense of self or be hiding their true thoughts and feelings. Disagreements are natural in any healthy relationship, and someone with genuine opinions won’t always mirror yours.
11. They avoid personal questions.
Example: “Whenever I ask about their family or past, they dodge the question or give vague answers.”
Deflecting or avoiding personal questions, especially about their past, can be a major red flag. This type of behavior might suggest that they are hiding something significant, such as past mistakes or unresolved issues. Open communication is essential in building trust, and someone who refuses to share basic details about their life may not be ready for a genuine connection.
10. They’re too quick to commit.
Example: “After just two weeks of dating, they were already talking about moving in together and planning a future.”
If someone pushes for a serious relationship too quickly, it can feel flattering at first but often signals deeper issues. Fast-tracking commitment can be a strategy to secure control or trust before you’ve had the chance to truly know each other. Healthy relationships take time to develop; rushing can prevent you from noticing potential red flags or from establishing a solid foundation based on mutual understanding.
9. Excessive flattery.
Example: “They constantly tell me how amazing I am, but sometimes it feels like they’re just trying to win me over too quickly.”
Compliments are nice, but when someone showers you with praise all the time, it can feel insincere or overwhelming. Excessive flattery is sometimes used to lower your defenses and make you more trusting before they reveal less favorable aspects of their personality. Be cautious if the flattery feels more like a manipulation tactic than genuine admiration, especially if it’s aimed at gaining your trust too quickly.
8. They’re too smooth or polished.
Example: “Everything they say and do seems rehearsed, like they’re performing rather than being real with me.”
Someone who always appears perfect or seems too polished in their behavior may be putting on a facade. While it’s natural to want to make a good first impression, perpetual perfection is unsustainable and often hides flaws or insecurities. Authentic people are willing to show their vulnerable side, make mistakes, and be real, whereas overly smooth individuals may be masking their true selves.
7. Lack of close long-term relationships.
Example: “When I asked about their friends, they mentioned a lot of acquaintances, but no one they’ve known for more than a year.”
If someone doesn’t have any close, long-standing friendships, it may indicate that they struggle with maintaining meaningful relationships. People with a pattern of brief or superficial connections might have trouble being vulnerable, resolving conflicts, or showing empathy. Healthy relationships, both romantic and platonic, are built on trust, respect, and longevity—lack of such relationships could be a red flag.
6. They’re secretive about their life.
Example: “They never tell me where they’ve been or what they’re doing, and their phone is always off limits.”
Secrecy is often a sign of deception or withholding information. If they are vague about their daily activities, background, or who they spend time with, it could mean they’re hiding important aspects of their life from you. Open and transparent communication builds trust, and someone who keeps too much of their life hidden may be protecting a side of themselves they don’t want you to know about.
5. They’re always the victim.
Example: “Every story they tell about past relationships ends with how they were wronged, and never what they might have done wrong.”
When someone consistently portrays themselves as the victim in past relationships or other life situations, it might suggest they have trouble taking responsibility for their actions. While it’s natural to encounter hardships, if they blame everyone else for their problems without acknowledging their own role, it could indicate a pattern of deflection and lack of accountability. Look for balance in their stories, where they own up to their mistakes.
4. They tell unrealistic life stories.
Example: “They claim to have met celebrities and traveled the world, but a lot of the details just don’t add up.”
Stories that seem exaggerated or too good to be true can be a red flag. People who feel the need to embellish their experiences may be insecure about their real selves or trying to craft a more appealing persona. Overly dramatic or fantastical accounts may suggest that they are not being truthful, and it’s important to gauge if their life stories match up with reality.
3. They have had a lot of sudden life changes.
Example: “They’ve switched jobs three times this year and recently moved cities without much explanation.”
While change is a natural part of life, frequent and abrupt shifts—such as changing jobs, moving homes, or cycling through friend groups—can indicate instability. Consistency in personal and professional life often reflects a level of responsibility and commitment. Sudden, unexplained changes could signal that they are running away from unresolved issues or struggling to maintain stability.
2. They’re reluctant to introduce you to others.
Example: “Despite dating for months, they still haven’t introduced me to any of their friends or family.”
If someone is hesitant to introduce you to their family, friends, or colleagues, it could indicate they are hiding you from parts of their life or that they’re not serious about the relationship. Being part of each other’s social circles is a natural progression in a healthy relationship, and reluctance to do so may suggest they have something to hide or aren’t fully committed.
1. They have perfectionist tendencies.
Example: “They expect everything to be flawless, from how the apartment is arranged to how I dress, and it’s starting to feel exhausting.”
Perfectionism can indicate underlying control issues or deep insecurities. If they hold themselves—and you—to impossibly high standards, it can lead to stress, frustration, and disappointment. No one is perfect, and striving for flawlessness can prevent authentic connection. Healthy relationships embrace imperfections and allow both partners to be human without fear of judgment.
What about Green Flags?
Dr. Chris Drew is the founder of the Helpful Professor. He holds a PhD in education and has published over 20 articles in scholarly journals. He is the former editor of the Journal of Learning Development in Higher Education. [Image Descriptor: Photo of Chris]
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